On stumbling….

Yes, life is a dance, that whole two steps forward one step back…sometimes one step forward two steps back.  I get frustrated with myself on such occasions where my stumbling lands me back at a place I struggled to get out of.  Recently I quit smoking, for what seemed like the 100th time (in reality it probably was my 10th really good one…meaning longer than 3 weeks with really good intentions of being DONE).  Well, the last time I quit prior to this I went through quite the ordeal, the bad moods, the restless sleeps, the headaches and worst of all, the weight gain.  I swore it would be my last time putting myself through it.

Now I’ve quit again, a month into it and I went through it all again, all for the non-pleasure of falling back into the trap for a mere month.  It was a colossal waste of energy and time. Yes, I am proud that I made the choice to quit again, but I don’t want to spend my life fighting the same battles over and over again all because these battles are familiar and I know how to win them.  I need next level business. I need a new view of life, this one has become dull.  Going back to the gym to lose the same 5 lbs I’ve lost 100 times before, instead of moving towards a new level of fitness.

I am taking on new things this year, I am finding my way back towards the dreams I had before I learned to doubt myself. That requires NEW beliefs…I have become certain I know what is best for me, how to attain the goals I wish to achieve, now its time to put new plans into action.  Now its time to do and be not want and need.  Theres a saying “When you know better you do better”.  Yes we are supposed to forgive ourselves for our mistakes, but the “moving on” requires that we learn from them and then MOVE ON…no more repetition for me…goodbye cigarettes, hello new and healthy body!

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On returning to your dreams…

When I was young I believed everything I needed to be, I  needed to be while I was still young.  I did not account for a life past 40. I did not account for the 40 something version of myself to finally be the person who had the guts and the wisdom to understand what “following your dreams” meant, and what it really took to do it.

Sure, life requires a little luck to get things done, the right place at the right time, the right moment that you  meet the right person under the right circumstances etc…but the glitch is…if we’re doing everything we can to prepare ourselves for that moment, well…that moment inevitably arrives.  I have no proof of that as of yet, but a wise voice inside me knows it to be true, and I find (in life past 40) that I am able to recognize this voice, and know it to be a teller of truths.

So what does “preparation” look like in my life, at present? It looks like working out, it looks like letting go of resistance, it looks like playing my guitar, it looks like showing up…to class, to work, to the gym, to my life.  Showing up if I feel like it or not, showing up when I’ve gained 5 lbs, showing up whether I’m sad or happy or crampy or tired. I have yet to perfect this, but I’m working at it….every day getting a little bit better, and that to me is what progress looks like.

I am glad that I have learned that I don’t need to be young, youth is a lie, or rather, a moment, in the life of someone that is always evolving, it is a gift, though most of us don’t use it as such (I know I didn’t). Youth did not, as I once thought it did, define me. I define me…this spirit, this smile, this fight, this desire…I survived my youth, which is a wonderful thing, now I wish to thrive.  I have finally learned that there truly is “no time like the present” and that today is the youngest you will ever be again…

On Change

I am in the midst of change, though aren’t we all? Change, the one inevitability, the one thing we can count on.  I figured out, if change will happen regardless, we may as well do it on purpose.  My body will change whether or not I go to the gym, but if I apply effort to this equation, it can change for the better instead of for the worse (time, in some way serves us, in some ways, not so much).

I will outgrow my career (in some ways, most ways, I already have) so I can either get worn down by the repetitive nature of being unfulfilled or I can take steps to create a more suitable career that I can slowly merge with in the future. Either way, I will change, for the better or the worse. Either way I will not be the same person this time next year. It is up to me, and only me, if future me is happy or grown bitter.  Whether I have renewed dreams, or I become disenchanted by the dreams I once had.

I have acquired, perhaps, the greatest gift I could have ever been given by life, 2015 taught me accountability.  In my forties I am long past blaming parents, schools, and ex boyfriends for the pains that keep me from my pleasures. I can no longer blame ignorance for poor eating habits, or lack of knowledge when it comes to personal power in regards to my small but defeating addictions.  I quit smoking because I can.  Because we all can. It only requires believing in the personal power we all have access to.

I am now taking on fitness, grateful to my body for seeing me through so much, nourishing it so that it can sustain me for all the years to come, finally giving it the love it has always deserved.

I am embarking once more on a road that may or may not lead to greater things, unattached to the outcome, just thirsty for the experience to try again.  I am in search of the adventures that life will only offer if I take the chances, put forth the efforts, and forego the instant gratification of things that detract from my longer term goals. (I was never very good at this, but am getting better now that I have lived long enough to have experienced the consequences of living for the now often at the expense of my future, totally not worth it).

So cheers to change, may it more often than not be the kind you desire, may you give it all the helping hands it needs to work within your favor.  May we take accountability, if not the control we wish we had, to play a part in the way change can bless us, move us, and as a ripple effect, create a better future for all the lives we touch.  “You must be the change you want to see in the world” – Mahatma Gandhi