On stumbling….

Yes, life is a dance, that whole two steps forward one step back…sometimes one step forward two steps back.  I get frustrated with myself on such occasions where my stumbling lands me back at a place I struggled to get out of.  Recently I quit smoking, for what seemed like the 100th time (in reality it probably was my 10th really good one…meaning longer than 3 weeks with really good intentions of being DONE).  Well, the last time I quit prior to this I went through quite the ordeal, the bad moods, the restless sleeps, the headaches and worst of all, the weight gain.  I swore it would be my last time putting myself through it.

Now I’ve quit again, a month into it and I went through it all again, all for the non-pleasure of falling back into the trap for a mere month.  It was a colossal waste of energy and time. Yes, I am proud that I made the choice to quit again, but I don’t want to spend my life fighting the same battles over and over again all because these battles are familiar and I know how to win them.  I need next level business. I need a new view of life, this one has become dull.  Going back to the gym to lose the same 5 lbs I’ve lost 100 times before, instead of moving towards a new level of fitness.

I am taking on new things this year, I am finding my way back towards the dreams I had before I learned to doubt myself. That requires NEW beliefs…I have become certain I know what is best for me, how to attain the goals I wish to achieve, now its time to put new plans into action.  Now its time to do and be not want and need.  Theres a saying “When you know better you do better”.  Yes we are supposed to forgive ourselves for our mistakes, but the “moving on” requires that we learn from them and then MOVE ON…no more repetition for me…goodbye cigarettes, hello new and healthy body!


On Change

I am in the midst of change, though aren’t we all? Change, the one inevitability, the one thing we can count on.  I figured out, if change will happen regardless, we may as well do it on purpose.  My body will change whether or not I go to the gym, but if I apply effort to this equation, it can change for the better instead of for the worse (time, in some way serves us, in some ways, not so much).

I will outgrow my career (in some ways, most ways, I already have) so I can either get worn down by the repetitive nature of being unfulfilled or I can take steps to create a more suitable career that I can slowly merge with in the future. Either way, I will change, for the better or the worse. Either way I will not be the same person this time next year. It is up to me, and only me, if future me is happy or grown bitter.  Whether I have renewed dreams, or I become disenchanted by the dreams I once had.

I have acquired, perhaps, the greatest gift I could have ever been given by life, 2015 taught me accountability.  In my forties I am long past blaming parents, schools, and ex boyfriends for the pains that keep me from my pleasures. I can no longer blame ignorance for poor eating habits, or lack of knowledge when it comes to personal power in regards to my small but defeating addictions.  I quit smoking because I can.  Because we all can. It only requires believing in the personal power we all have access to.

I am now taking on fitness, grateful to my body for seeing me through so much, nourishing it so that it can sustain me for all the years to come, finally giving it the love it has always deserved.

I am embarking once more on a road that may or may not lead to greater things, unattached to the outcome, just thirsty for the experience to try again.  I am in search of the adventures that life will only offer if I take the chances, put forth the efforts, and forego the instant gratification of things that detract from my longer term goals. (I was never very good at this, but am getting better now that I have lived long enough to have experienced the consequences of living for the now often at the expense of my future, totally not worth it).

So cheers to change, may it more often than not be the kind you desire, may you give it all the helping hands it needs to work within your favor.  May we take accountability, if not the control we wish we had, to play a part in the way change can bless us, move us, and as a ripple effect, create a better future for all the lives we touch.  “You must be the change you want to see in the world” – Mahatma Gandhi


on fear….

We are living in an age of fear. Everyone sees it, and everyone goes about their business in a very small room filled by a very large elephant, and we’re suffocating a little…arent we?

It will either make shallow narcissists of us (in order to survive it we will have to turn away from the world around us and focus solely on ourselves), or we will let it break us down… and then breakthrough… and finally, we make the choice, as a global village, to fight fear with love.

If love is the most beautiful instrument we have/own/and connect to in this life, if it is, infact, the one thing that truly makes this life worth living, then we need to be just as willing to die for it as we are to say we live for it.

I for one say bring the fear. I am finally ready to love as extremely as some are willing to hate. I have finally had enough of the shameful wrongs of this collective twistedness. If we as a world, made that decision….to choose love and to live that choice FIERCELY… not to turn a hungry refuggee child away, it doesnt matter how many viral videos there are playing on a constant  loop to further imprint the fear. The same fear that will have us believing they are all bad, their religion too violent, their intentions too ill, their risk far too heavy, the fear that will have us selling our humanity for the illusion of safety.

For those who say we must take care of our own first. We must take care of our own???  Any child born into this world is ours, whether he/she is blessed enough to be born in Canada, or unlucky enough to be born amongst the rubble of a war torn country…every hungry child crying is going to make me run towards them with food, with love, with a heart filled with compassion.  If evil be lurking in the bushes, so be it, so bring it, I will fight to feed that child.

Im an extremist too ISIS…you can kill me, but you cant scare me, Im willing to die for love. Now I need to trust. I need to trust the government who made a choice that alligned with the love I get to have (which is the ultimate freedom, and for that I thank you and I love you Canada) Now I have to trust, that Mr.Trudeau will do everything in his power to make this as safe, and as healing to the world as possible.

I will live in a country that has a larger debt, to be able to live in world that has a lot more beauty. Thats worth paying for, freedom isn’t free…but we need to know its possible, and if the only way to find out is to fight fear with love, Ill be gearing up for the most important battle of my lifetime. I will be braver than I ever thought,  I will love at all costs…repeat after me people…I will love at all costs….they can only be terrorists if we live as if we are terrified. Love is courage. (“For what shall it profit a man, if he shall gain the whole world and lose his own soul?”-Mark 8:36