On stumbling….

Yes, life is a dance, that whole two steps forward one step back…sometimes one step forward two steps back.  I get frustrated with myself on such occasions where my stumbling lands me back at a place I struggled to get out of.  Recently I quit smoking, for what seemed like the 100th time (in reality it probably was my 10th really good one…meaning longer than 3 weeks with really good intentions of being DONE).  Well, the last time I quit prior to this I went through quite the ordeal, the bad moods, the restless sleeps, the headaches and worst of all, the weight gain.  I swore it would be my last time putting myself through it.

Now I’ve quit again, a month into it and I went through it all again, all for the non-pleasure of falling back into the trap for a mere month.  It was a colossal waste of energy and time. Yes, I am proud that I made the choice to quit again, but I don’t want to spend my life fighting the same battles over and over again all because these battles are familiar and I know how to win them.  I need next level business. I need a new view of life, this one has become dull.  Going back to the gym to lose the same 5 lbs I’ve lost 100 times before, instead of moving towards a new level of fitness.

I am taking on new things this year, I am finding my way back towards the dreams I had before I learned to doubt myself. That requires NEW beliefs…I have become certain I know what is best for me, how to attain the goals I wish to achieve, now its time to put new plans into action.  Now its time to do and be not want and need.  Theres a saying “When you know better you do better”.  Yes we are supposed to forgive ourselves for our mistakes, but the “moving on” requires that we learn from them and then MOVE ON…no more repetition for me…goodbye cigarettes, hello new and healthy body!

Advertisements

On returning to your dreams…

When I was young I believed everything I needed to be, I  needed to be while I was still young.  I did not account for a life past 40. I did not account for the 40 something version of myself to finally be the person who had the guts and the wisdom to understand what “following your dreams” meant, and what it really took to do it.

Sure, life requires a little luck to get things done, the right place at the right time, the right moment that you  meet the right person under the right circumstances etc…but the glitch is…if we’re doing everything we can to prepare ourselves for that moment, well…that moment inevitably arrives.  I have no proof of that as of yet, but a wise voice inside me knows it to be true, and I find (in life past 40) that I am able to recognize this voice, and know it to be a teller of truths.

So what does “preparation” look like in my life, at present? It looks like working out, it looks like letting go of resistance, it looks like playing my guitar, it looks like showing up…to class, to work, to the gym, to my life.  Showing up if I feel like it or not, showing up when I’ve gained 5 lbs, showing up whether I’m sad or happy or crampy or tired. I have yet to perfect this, but I’m working at it….every day getting a little bit better, and that to me is what progress looks like.

I am glad that I have learned that I don’t need to be young, youth is a lie, or rather, a moment, in the life of someone that is always evolving, it is a gift, though most of us don’t use it as such (I know I didn’t). Youth did not, as I once thought it did, define me. I define me…this spirit, this smile, this fight, this desire…I survived my youth, which is a wonderful thing, now I wish to thrive.  I have finally learned that there truly is “no time like the present” and that today is the youngest you will ever be again…

On Change

I am in the midst of change, though aren’t we all? Change, the one inevitability, the one thing we can count on.  I figured out, if change will happen regardless, we may as well do it on purpose.  My body will change whether or not I go to the gym, but if I apply effort to this equation, it can change for the better instead of for the worse (time, in some way serves us, in some ways, not so much).

I will outgrow my career (in some ways, most ways, I already have) so I can either get worn down by the repetitive nature of being unfulfilled or I can take steps to create a more suitable career that I can slowly merge with in the future. Either way, I will change, for the better or the worse. Either way I will not be the same person this time next year. It is up to me, and only me, if future me is happy or grown bitter.  Whether I have renewed dreams, or I become disenchanted by the dreams I once had.

I have acquired, perhaps, the greatest gift I could have ever been given by life, 2015 taught me accountability.  In my forties I am long past blaming parents, schools, and ex boyfriends for the pains that keep me from my pleasures. I can no longer blame ignorance for poor eating habits, or lack of knowledge when it comes to personal power in regards to my small but defeating addictions.  I quit smoking because I can.  Because we all can. It only requires believing in the personal power we all have access to.

I am now taking on fitness, grateful to my body for seeing me through so much, nourishing it so that it can sustain me for all the years to come, finally giving it the love it has always deserved.

I am embarking once more on a road that may or may not lead to greater things, unattached to the outcome, just thirsty for the experience to try again.  I am in search of the adventures that life will only offer if I take the chances, put forth the efforts, and forego the instant gratification of things that detract from my longer term goals. (I was never very good at this, but am getting better now that I have lived long enough to have experienced the consequences of living for the now often at the expense of my future, totally not worth it).

So cheers to change, may it more often than not be the kind you desire, may you give it all the helping hands it needs to work within your favor.  May we take accountability, if not the control we wish we had, to play a part in the way change can bless us, move us, and as a ripple effect, create a better future for all the lives we touch.  “You must be the change you want to see in the world” – Mahatma Gandhi

 

on fear….

We are living in an age of fear. Everyone sees it, and everyone goes about their business in a very small room filled by a very large elephant, and we’re suffocating a little…arent we?

It will either make shallow narcissists of us (in order to survive it we will have to turn away from the world around us and focus solely on ourselves), or we will let it break us down… and then breakthrough… and finally, we make the choice, as a global village, to fight fear with love.

If love is the most beautiful instrument we have/own/and connect to in this life, if it is, infact, the one thing that truly makes this life worth living, then we need to be just as willing to die for it as we are to say we live for it.

I for one say bring the fear. I am finally ready to love as extremely as some are willing to hate. I have finally had enough of the shameful wrongs of this collective twistedness. If we as a world, made that decision….to choose love and to live that choice FIERCELY… not to turn a hungry refuggee child away, it doesnt matter how many viral videos there are playing on a constant  loop to further imprint the fear. The same fear that will have us believing they are all bad, their religion too violent, their intentions too ill, their risk far too heavy, the fear that will have us selling our humanity for the illusion of safety.

For those who say we must take care of our own first. We must take care of our own???  Any child born into this world is ours, whether he/she is blessed enough to be born in Canada, or unlucky enough to be born amongst the rubble of a war torn country…every hungry child crying is going to make me run towards them with food, with love, with a heart filled with compassion.  If evil be lurking in the bushes, so be it, so bring it, I will fight to feed that child.

Im an extremist too ISIS…you can kill me, but you cant scare me, Im willing to die for love. Now I need to trust. I need to trust the government who made a choice that alligned with the love I get to have (which is the ultimate freedom, and for that I thank you and I love you Canada) Now I have to trust, that Mr.Trudeau will do everything in his power to make this as safe, and as healing to the world as possible.

I will live in a country that has a larger debt, to be able to live in world that has a lot more beauty. Thats worth paying for, freedom isn’t free…but we need to know its possible, and if the only way to find out is to fight fear with love, Ill be gearing up for the most important battle of my lifetime. I will be braver than I ever thought,  I will love at all costs…repeat after me people…I will love at all costs….they can only be terrorists if we live as if we are terrified. Love is courage. (“For what shall it profit a man, if he shall gain the whole world and lose his own soul?”-Mark 8:36

We are not…

We are not a poem or a song, we are an opera, all melody and tragedy, intermittent trills of joy

We are not a book that tells a story, we are volumes through which each book reveals the story changing…

We are not one person, we are a part of the bigger whole, we are more than one expression, and even those with the strongest of convictions can feel differently some days

We are in flux and fascination

We are animal and spiritual

We are made of hearts that can break, and wills that will not

We are the stuff that stars are made of

So we walk clumsily upon the earth.

-Laura Lee

on commitment to oneself….

I haven’t blogged in a while, silly thing for a blogger to do (or not do).  I have to, above all else, learn consistency in my life and recognize it as the key to success in any and all of life’s endeavors. Consistency is, in my opinion, an expression of commitment.  I have been half heartedly “committed” to many things throughout my life, which has never served me well…or at least, as well as it could have if Id put my whole heart into it.

I eat half healthy, I work out hard for at least 3 weeks out of every 2 months (I usually slack as soon as I start to reap the benefits) and I keep three quarters of my apartment clean at all times (you will hardly ever see dishes in my sink but my floors are often in need of cleaning, like wise my living room is spotless, my bedroom closets in disarray).

Well, here’s the good news…I have recognized this as a fault in my life (a detrimental one at that).  The recognition of a flaw being the first step to mending/fixing it  leads me to this…I hereby declare as God (and anyone one reading this) as my witness to change my commitment-phobic ways.  I have committed to quitting smoking (another thing I had previously half heartedly done for the past few years until realizing a part-time smoker is still a smoker) and I have never felt more better.  I am, therefore, kicking up my commitment to the following things in life:

  1. My fitness (watch out gym here I come…no….really…I mean it this time, I’m coming for you)
  2. My career goals (I’m back again oh sleepy dreams of mine, time to wake up)
  3. My blogging (You’re just so good for me wordpress!)

Sure, I have other goals…but if I can work on these (they each support the other) the others will come quite naturally…as quitting smoking inspired these commitments, Im hoping these positive changes will inspire more to follow.  Success begets success…so here goes….

 

On what Ive learned, what Im learning, and what I’ve yet to learn……..

My mother once said (though I’m sure she did not coin the phrase) “You may be a late bloomer, but you smell as sweet as any other rose” I think that may have meant more to me than she would ever know (especially since my mother is apt to be my worst critic as much as she can be my biggest fan).

Its a solid truth that my second chapter in life (now in my forties) is a much more stable, and pretty chapter than the one preceeding it. (See ya later 20’s, you were NOT my best friend).  I, like many, if not all, other women, do not want to get old, but man do I love getting older, I am very good at it, and getting better all the time.

It is nice to know that my “glory days” are in the now and not in the past.  Its nice to now my friendships may have grown fewer but, oh, so much deeper.  Its nice to know my laugh lines are from, well, laughing! Its nice to know that the dreams I didn’t chase are coming round again and have started chasing me (time is a frenemy, that scares us, sometimes, so much, that it kickstarts us into taking action we may not have otherwise taken). Its nice to know that when love comes its never too late, actually its divinely on time. I’m very happy I never pressed that issue.

One of the greatest lessons I have learned is that we are born overcomers…our spirit was made to be resilient. Our paths were meant to teach us, all those bumps and blocks…all of them, strategically placed to give us our unique human experience.  Its NOT what we have been through, but what we have overcome that defines us…me? Im a warrior.  The most delicate kind, but still in the ranks, and for now ‘Im ok with that, as I said, I’m getting better all the time.

What I’m learning now is that one is never truly ready…not that we shouldn’t make great efforts in our life to prepare ourselves for opportunities, but our work should be spent more on creating opportunities and then jumping straight into them vs. preparing ourselves for the elusive opportunities we have yet to call forth.  I am learning how to trust…everything…the process, life, myself (the hardest one), the unknown, the unknowable….just trust.  Waiting on the right time is wasted time.  Do your best…it will never be perfect, but it will always be better than waiting to do it later…later is not a real time.

What I hope to learn is that I can really do this. That I can shift my way of thinking, move forward with all these new(er) beliefs, and really succeed…get that level of fitness, never pick up another cigarette, travel, help others, adopt that child, love my partner as well as I want him to experience love in this life, and do the same for myself. I want to learn that practicing what you preach makes all the difference in the world, that my mind, my heart, and my soul can all operate on the same level and bring forth more and more of all these beautiful changes that I am feeling, and always seeking more of. I hope that this learning never ceases, I hope that my later chapter in life will amuse me, as I look back on a life that was lived dancing and tripping and running and falling and jumping and sobbing and laughing and loving and that it somehow all comes together to make a beautiful story…one that I am proud of, one, that I am lucky enough (and wise enough) to already be proud of. Loving myself is by no means an easy relationship, but it is one I am fully committed to.